My sponsor says that in developing the willingness required for this step, we need to develop a readiness to go beyond physical, intellectual and emotional living to allow ourselves to explore spiritual living. But how am I to even imagine this concept, let alone implement it? I am stuck in this body; while human, there is no escaping the reality of these bones, the flesh that surrounds them, and the fascia that wraps and re-wraps, hugging the whole works together beneath my miraculous skin. How am I to drop my emotions when they seem to arise of their own accord, just because I want to be willing to have a spiritual life?
I think all alcoholics crave transcendence, and this is why we drank. As Carl Jung wrote in his letter to Bill W: The craving for alcohol was the equivalent, on a low level, of the spiritual thirst of our being for wholeness, expressed in medieval language: the union with God...'alcohol' in Latin is spiritus, and you use the same word for the highest religious experience as well as for the most depraving poison.
“Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a higher power.”
Spiritual principle: Willingness
I think it is helpful at first to re-establish that in Step 2 it is neither necessary nor desirable to narrowly define the nature of my higher (deeper, broader) power. It is also ill-advised for me to get hung up on technical details of what exactly constitutes sanity - this searching for definition keeps me living in my left brain, in the world of the rational and logical, which never served me in my active addiction and which has a tendency to want to take over and fix, manage or control the areas of my life that are not flowing, i.e. that are stuck. In Step 3 I need to cultivate the willingness that will allow me to leap forward without logically understanding what the outcomes will be and absolving myself of the fiction that I can control these outcomes anyway. This leap forward, from what Joseph Campbell would describe as 'the jumping-off place' into the belly of the whale, is the 'decision' we must make in Step 3.
The literal meaning of the word 'decide' is 'to cut off'. The way this decision is made is as unique as our fingerprints, but essentially we are cutting ourselves off from not only our old way of living, but from our old way of thinking. Clearly, this decision is an active undertaking, and is not a one-off affair. We have to make the effort to come willingly to this decision again and again, open with an honest heart (not logical head) for the transformation that allows us to live outside our comfort zone even as we slip back into it. To continually choose the path of healing, awareness, and growth requires a sustained effort to be able to let go of our old ideas at the moments when they seem to offer us the most comfort.
In a way it appears deceptively simple; the power that we have come to have some belief in through Step 2 is still here for us. All that's being asked of me, then, in Step 3, is that I drop my defences and allow that power to help me out. In order to work the rest of the steps, this willingness for a personal spiritual connection - a connection I understand to be my own. This decision to give up the illusion of control can be frightening and requires consistent practice - a daily practice. At this point, prayer and meditation might prove invaluable. I understand that it is very often heard at AA meetings that "the steps are numbered for a reason,", implying that we should do them in order. I can't find that information anywhere in AA literature, however, and it only makes sense to me that waiting until I "arrive" at Step 11 before I try prayer or meditation would be unnecessarily hamstringing my own recovery. The benefits I receive from attempting my own versions of prayer and meditation support my ongoing efforts to make the decision required of me in Step 3.
The other thing I "cut-off" in this step is the idea that I can walk back into the faulty paradigm of my addictive thinking and behaviour, that I can somehow make the old way of life work. I cut off the idea that that house of cards can hold me any longer, that alcohol can still offer me refuge from the pain I feel. In spiritual terms, this pain is a gift, and feeling it with awareness and equanimity (as opposed to numbness and aversion) is what brings me greater spiritual insight and freedom. Cutting off this old behaviour and thinking opens up greater humility, which is, in essence, the ability to see things as they really are--not as I want them to be or as I fear them to be. Greater humility brings greater willingness to choose freedom from my rusty ideas of who I am and who I can become; in a sense, it is the process of deconstructing my own story so I am not bound by it any longer: this is why, in the Third Step prayer, we asked to be relieved of the bondage of self, which means returning to a place of not knowing.
If I accept "not knowing," then I do not need to fix, manage and control every detail of my life. I can experiment with this step, using my craving and aversion as a diagnostic. Gradually, I see progress and my reaction time towards making a conscious decision to try something new becomes less and less. But this step, and this process, is not done in my head - for me, anyway, the logical, reasoning brain on its own is not the portal into the realm of the spirit within. I need to start with my body.
We don't hear this very often in AA meetings, but the process of "turning it over" to a higher power is, in large part, a physical one. We are burdened with toxins, fear and disease, which find their way into our physical beings where we store them up and store them up and, in active addiction (and often in recovery) ignore them. We somehow remain incapable of seeing the direct correlation between our anger and fear and our physical ailments. This is why I see the body and, particularly, the breath, as the key gateway to the inner sanctum. The breath is the bridge between the unconscious (which is never unconscious, even when we sleep) and the conscious mind -- it functions autonomically and it can also be controlled. The breath used in tandem with physical movement and awareness, accepting everything just as it is, is called yoga. I believe that yoga, as a practice, is directly in line with the spiritual principles of the 12 steps and that, in fact, Patanjali's Yoga Sutras, the first codified system of yogic technology, parallels (in many ways) the 12 step process.
Willingness to let the pus come out of the wound, in emotional terms, is not always an easy state to come to, especially for someone who is so used to avoiding mental and emotional pain through the use of booze and drugs. But as we re-learn how to breathe, and give new life to our bodies by stretching them, giving them exercise, and reducing the toxins we put into them, it is not only our physical bodies that become strengthened, but our subtle bodies as well. Locked so long in the spiral of shame and self-degredation, we enter an upward spiral in line with the law of nature, and the less we try to control this process and accept it as it comes, the more elegant and joyful it can be. Eventually we stumble naturally onto our own meditation, where the mind is alert, concentrated, focused - not relaxed and half-asleep, but vibrant. Awake.
But we start small. Maybe with a couple of deep breaths, a positive thought, a short gratitude list. Maybe just a bow in the morning, an acknowledgement to the light that resides within, whatever name we give it. When I bow I sense that I am bowing internally as well as externally; as within, so without. In this way the connection does not escape me, even if I am at a loss to name or define it. Faith is an attitude of mind rather than subscription to a specific philosophy or dogma.
I make the decision in Step 3 to investigate this life of mine, every moment of which is precious. With the repeated practice of this step, I have come to see that every element and every dimension of life exists and thrives on the spiritual plane, even the mundane.
Willingness to let the pus come out of the wound, in emotional terms, is not always an easy state to come to, especially for someone who is so used to avoiding mental and emotional pain through the use of booze and drugs. But as we re-learn how to breathe, and give new life to our bodies by stretching them, giving them exercise, and reducing the toxins we put into them, it is not only our physical bodies that become strengthened, but our subtle bodies as well. Locked so long in the spiral of shame and self-degredation, we enter an upward spiral in line with the law of nature, and the less we try to control this process and accept it as it comes, the more elegant and joyful it can be. Eventually we stumble naturally onto our own meditation, where the mind is alert, concentrated, focused - not relaxed and half-asleep, but vibrant. Awake.
But we start small. Maybe with a couple of deep breaths, a positive thought, a short gratitude list. Maybe just a bow in the morning, an acknowledgement to the light that resides within, whatever name we give it. When I bow I sense that I am bowing internally as well as externally; as within, so without. In this way the connection does not escape me, even if I am at a loss to name or define it. Faith is an attitude of mind rather than subscription to a specific philosophy or dogma.
I make the decision in Step 3 to investigate this life of mine, every moment of which is precious. With the repeated practice of this step, I have come to see that every element and every dimension of life exists and thrives on the spiritual plane, even the mundane.
