Step Six

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

The more I involve myself with the Steps, the deeper I understand that each one is a practice, not a finite event. It is the practice that whets against the edges of insight, honing it. As insight grows sharper, it is able to cut deeper into ignorance and open space for more profound humility and a deeper peace. But first, I must practice. 

Part of removing ignorance is removing denial. 

denial |diˈnīəl|, from Apple dictionary:

noun

the action of declaring something to be untrue: she shook her head in denial .

• the refusal of something requested or desired: the denial of insurance to people with certain medical conditions.

• a statement that something is not true: official denials | his denial that he was having an affair.

• Psychology failure to acknowledge an unacceptable truth or emotion or to admit it into consciousness, used as a defense mechanism: you're living in denial .

• short for self-denial.

• disavowal of a person as one's leader.

Denial, as it applies to our lives as humans on this planet, is essentially the disavowal or failure to acknowledge some truth that appears unacceptable to either our psyche or to social norms. Denial has a strong presence in most alcoholics because we need it in order to go on hurting ourselves and others in order to continue consuming vast quantities of the substance that is killing us. In the most blunt example, we are in denial of our own disease until we decide that we are in recovery and we need help.

Yet there are multiple layers of denial, and they grow subtler and subtler in turn. I cannot ask for any character defect to be removed if I don’t do the work of recognizing it; to see my character defects, I need to release denial, and to do this I must cultivate humility. With humility I can see things as they truly are, and how shame and guilt have been blocking me from the abundant reality that I inherently understand to be my birthright.

I have learned that I mustn’t turn my back on shame and guilt. I need to feel these things, and all the rage, pain, fear and sadness that accompany them—but I need to feel this without judgment of myself or others. At first this seems like an impossible task; we may be trying to do this while we are still severely wounded. Whatever emotions come up, they need to be accepted, not pushed away or denied further. This is a challenge for me, because when I was younger some emotions, particularly anger, were unacceptable. This creates a lasting impression on my psyche, and it is sometimes difficult to convince myself that feeling my anger is safe and in fact very helpful. Feeling these things releases them.

I used to drink, I can see now, as a way of not feeling, when in fact the feelings I feared would have been the easiest path to freedom. There’s no way of realizing this other than by experiencing it, and as with other elements of recovery, I am often only able to experience it when driven by suffering.  

This step sounds so bloody absolute, though—do I really have to be entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character? I sense attachment rearing its sticky head immediately. This is why non-attachment is so important in this step. I can only be open to solving my problems if I am open to change, and in Step Six I am repeatedly given the opportunity to let go of ineffective, low-level and limiting beliefs, perceptions and practices. 

Again, this tricky notion of letting go. I can’t count the number of times I ‘let go’ of my anger, often right before losing my temper. What does letting go entail, then? I believe it involves unconditional self-acceptance and the courage to FEEL whatever comes up. By feeling something I am vibrating it, and when it vibrates, it moves, and if it’s moving, it can be released. But nothing is going to move if I don’t trust myself or have compassion for myself. This has been a very important learning point for me. So my job is to feel whatever comes up, remain equanimous, and have compassion for myself. Otherwise I am bound to revisit the same old cycle of thoughts, attitudes, and behaviours that keep me on the merry-go-round of problem-reaction-problem.

Stop reacting. Feel. Let time pass. Breathe. Trust the process. 

Part of this process leads me to take a closer look at my thoughts and beliefs; I need to determine which ones are borne of true insight based on my own objective analysis of my life experiences. The answer: almost none. 

Most of the thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes I had been carrying were borrowed from parents, teachers, media, and the norms of society at large. These were not actually my beliefs, but habit patterns engrained in me through training and practice. Habits become pervasive; they define, both in the mental and physical realm, most of our thoughts, words and actions.

In habits, we’re stuck. 

Thus, I need to unpack my habits, which I have done in Steps Four and Five, in order to have at least a superficial awareness of what isn’t serving me and what needs letting go of. 

This non-attachment, this letting go—particularly of deeply engrained habits—can make me feel as if I’m coming unhinged, without any point of reference. It may also involve the re-experiencing of old grief, fear or trauma, as many of our character defects can be in place as survival tools. The truth that we need to experience ourselves is that these old tools can’t work in recovery and become cumbersome and self-limiting. 

It is crucial that I gain some insight in Step Four in order to see how the elements I share in my Step Five are still exerting active power in my life. I need to bring my awareness into the present moment, and to do this, I may require some emotional releasing in order to achieve truly effective self-scrutiny. Anger may come up. Resistance may raise its toothy head. A tsunami of ear and guilt may wash through me.  

I must not ignore these things or turn away from them. They have a right to be felt. It is my job to feel them. If I need to release, I must release in safe ways. Maybe I find a small hilltop and I scream to the heavens from it. Or I could spend a weekend watching tear-jerkers and bawl my eyes out. Maybe I join a punk band. Perhaps I dance like Napoleon Dynamite until I drop. Whatever safe way to release comes up naturally—and often for me this is by expressing some kind of sound, intelligible or not—I have to trust that at some point, a point known as ignition, the body will intuitively know what it needs to do to release. I have learned that I should follow it, no matter how silly it seems to convention.  

Convention even slips into the Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions, which states that “no matter how far we have progressed, desires will always be found which oppose the grace of God.” I’d like to meet the person who thinks he is in charge of deciding what opposed the grace of God for me, personally. Nobody lives in my body with my chemistry and with my connections and experiences; therefore, nobody has the ability to understand an appropriate moral code for me, much less impose one. 

The other issue I take with “conventional wisdom” is the perseverance of the harmful themes, the most notable example being that sex is somehow dirty or sinful. AA literature asks us “how many men and women speak love with their lips, and believe what they say, so that they can hide lust in a dark corner of their minds?” This question presumes love is a precursor to, and thus divorced from, any expression of the body. It also assumes there is a conventional understanding of and abhorrence for what is commonly considered to be ‘lust’. One woman’s lust may be another woman’s passion. One man’s perception of lust may be another man’s source of creativity and inspiration. We are so quick to judge others, as well as ourselves. More than one great thinker has determined that most of the problems of the West, including addictions, come from sexual repression. This is a valid consideration in Step Six because it is vital to me that I understand if my actions are truly harmful to myself or another, or if they simply lie outside the acceptable (read: harmful) conventions of my Judeo-Christian upbringing. This is a key part of stepping into my own freedom and guided by Divine intention.

Understandably, it is often easier to list our character defects than to willingly release them. The blockage to change is almost always fear, and one of the deepest fears we can carry in recovery is that it is not safe to feel what is present. Once we release old fear, doubt, denial, ignorance, we are truly ready to allow our will to naturally align with Divine will. Form this point forward, we will rarely forget that we are never alone. 

Step Five

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

The practice of confession, to have the awareness of the nature of one’s own flaws witnessed by another human being, and thus sanctified in spirit, is widespread among numerous religious and spiritual traditions. The practice speaks to the very inherent instinct for cleansing.

It is notable that Step Five is the first step described in the chapter entitled “Into Action” in the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous. The completion of my inventory in Step Four means I have stirred up the silt of my past to take a look at the granular details of the shifting moral foundation I have built my life upon. Step Five is the crucial step to begin the repair of this foundation by recognizing and admitting my responsibility for the detritus in my life. This stirring of muddy waters can sometimes make for a pretty murky view, and if I hang on to this inventory by myself for too long, it may be difficult to remember that this is the way to light. 

There is a risk involved in Step Five; this is the hero’s journey, where Jonah leaps into the belly of the whale. We face the darkness, knowing not where it will ultimately transport us. In our minds, there is the risk of being rejected, of ridicule, of full exposure to the depths of the shame we have been carrying, and as alcoholics who are almost universally sensitive to criticism, Step Five can be intimidating. 

The only solution I’ve found is to, yet again, surrender. I need to open myself completely. I wouldn’t advocate making oneself completely vulnerable to this process if there weren’t tremendous gains to be made in doing so. No matter how much the vulnerability scares me, it serves me, because it provokes me to step out of isolation. When I step out of the old pattern of sequestering my spirit, I step out of the illusion that I am separate from others or from Source. 

I sought my soul,

But my soul I could not see

I sought my God,

But my god eluded me.

I sought my brother,

And I found all three. 

—Anonymous

Sharing this stuff, particularly if I have been unflinchingly honest, can be a daunting task; what generally prevents us from bringing all of our story to another person is shame. Shame is at the root of endless diversions, justifications, rationalizations, and general delays of putting Step Five into practice. It is important to contemplate how, left in the darkness of self, my Step Four is bound to fester. My moral inventory, and my awareness of its implications upon the habit patterns of my actions and attitudes, needs to be exposed to the sunlight of the Spirit in order to be transmuted into a lasting gift of awareness. 

If I have reached this stage, I have my personal moral inventory in hand; now I need a witness. It is important that the person who hears my fifth is not someone who has all the answers. I need to trust my gut and find someone who has humility and a sense of humour; humility will enable my witness to detect which shame belongs to me and what I have been carrying for others. A sense of humour will ensure that I don’t take myself too seriously. I needn’t panic over who is going to share this experience with me; if I have done my work, the right person will appear.

All my ancient, twisted karma,

From beginingless greed, hate and delusion,

Born through body, speech and mind,

I now fully avow.

—Zen chant for Ryaku Fusatu

Once I make a commitment to have this undertaking validated by another human being, I will become aware of what an empowering process it can be. The relief from the burden of my secrets and my ignorance will be commensurate with the level of honesty I apply to this step. The power of one spirit coming to another with humility and vulnerability calls in the sunlight of the Spirit and sanctifies the act of surrender. Here, I can break old patterns of isolation—spiritual and otherwise.

If I balk too long or refuse this step, I risk retreating into denial. I need only review Step One to remember that there is no peace in a life of denial. 

The first time I took this vital step, I stumbled for a while on another major hurdle: grief—grief over losing myself, the only identity I’d been consciously aware of for years. Even if I have recognized and inwardly admitted to old beliefs, judgments and patterns of denial that don’t truly belong to me through the process of taking a moral inventory, the prospect of overtly admitting to them in a Step Five might provoke a kick from within. For instance, I may suddenly become forgetful, and have a blank mind. Or doubt may raise its head. 

There are many varieties of doubt: doubt about AA, the Steps, my sponsor, my own abilities.

The good news is that this resistance is a last-ditch effort of the old framework of living to re-assert itself, because once I take Step Five as fearlessly and honestly as practicable, this old scheme of interacting with the world and the things in it is utterly altered. Just as darkness cannot stay in a room when a light is turned on, the film of ignorance and denial that I’d cloaked myself in will no longer fit. 

I need to treat myself like I am someone I can trust. 

Step Five is not just about admitting my wrongs, but about becoming vulnerable enough to share how and when I have suffered. Tough love in this program is for suckers; it may seem easier because I’m used to beating myself up and haven’t had much cause to trust others, but we’ve had enough of tough times, haven’t we? I suggest trying tenderness.

If this step is causing me to shut down emotionally, I may need to get outside help and do grief work or trauma reduction. I can also always look to Step Eleven for support and guidance. Often this stuff that we are dragging up through this process gets stored or stuck in the body, and this is where breathing techniques, a healthy diet, yoga, massage and energy work can all be helpful in getting through Steps Four and Five. These steps are as much about moving from the brain to the heart as any other; this cannot simply be an intellectual exercise in truth-telling. We have to feel our way through this process, and we need to feel it without reacting in order to surpass the small idea of our once-disconnected selves to the Unity with our true and highest selves that is our birthright.