How do we find a reality that we can own? We need a map. “Start where you are,” advises Pema Chodron. There is really no other place for us to begin, obviously—but most of us alcoholics aren’t sure where we are.
We were initially thrust into reality with the admission of the true nature of our relationship to alcohol in Step One, and then continued the process by observing what resources were available to us by considering Steps Two and Three. Through this process, we invariably examine the tip of the iceberg that is our persistent denial and penchant for magical thinking. We begin to suspect that there is much more to our habit of judging ourselves and others, and the cause-and-effect in our broken lives. In Step 4 we roll up our sleeves and, as fearlessly as possible, do our work of mapping our own attitudes and actions. Step 4 provides the training necessary to obtain, and then use, the insight necessary to find ourselves in bumpy terrain of our own physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual geography.
Until we sober up, we are unable and unwilling to recognize that our dismal consequences are the direct result of our own volitional activity. As my meditation teacher likes to say: “You can’t continue to plant bitter neem seeds and then cry out for sweet mangoes!” So in step 4 I need to acknowledge my own participation in the creation of my own life: what I do matters. Moreover, what I think matters: thoughts are waveforms of energy, and they have an impact. The sooner I stop casting myself as a victim of external circumstances or other people, the healthier I will be.
Once I understand this, I understand that I have created the environment of my current circumstances with the thoughts, words and actions of my past; now that I am sober, however, and committed to engaging outside help to compensate for my lack of power, I have a choice in how I respond to whatever my present situation may be.
At first the word moral was slightly off-putting to me; then I came to the understanding that immoral simply means anything that transgresses my inner knowing of right action, word and thought, and while this concept implies a certain universality, it is ultimately subjective. Some of us are so confused by an off-putting and self-interested system of morals we grew up with, that Step 4 can seem daunting, even insurmountable, especially if we clearly no longer ascribe to this system. Others of us may be so deeply programmed with the corrupt values systems of others—commonly through trauma—that we are not yet aware of what value systems are motivating us.
The good news is that there is a sure way out, as long as I am still subscribing to the spiritual principles of Steps One, Two, and Three, namely: honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. These magic three principles give birth to the fourth, which is insight. And this insight enables us to do the work of Step 4.
I need a value system against which to judge the morality of my own thoughts, words, and deeds. It is important for me to keep in mind that my value system doesn’t necessarily apply to others, so there is no need or point in judging them; this just creates more knots for me to untangle.
One thing I can say is that in sobriety it quickly becomes clear that ethical conduct is highly pragmatic, because it is impossible for me to have peace of mind when I am transgressing my own value system. For a while, when I was drinking, I could squelch this inner turmoil with booze. But Step 4—the mechanics of which are clearly laid out in AA literature and which I need to go through with a sponsor—begins to show me that alcoholism was not my root problem, but actually the temporary and unsustainable solution to my internal disquiet and spiritual torpor. When I understood this, I knew inherently I had made a solid beginning on Step 4. With persistent work and feedback from my sponsor, I began to see the nature of my relationship not only with alcohol and others, but with fear itself; when I see my own ignorance and fear as reflexes to protect the self from imagined threats to its integrity, I have truly made a significant step in the acquisition of spiritual insight.
