Step Five

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

The practice of confession, to have the awareness of the nature of one’s own flaws witnessed by another human being, and thus sanctified in spirit, is widespread among numerous religious and spiritual traditions. The practice speaks to the very inherent instinct for cleansing.

It is notable that Step Five is the first step described in the chapter entitled “Into Action” in the basic text of Alcoholics Anonymous. The completion of my inventory in Step Four means I have stirred up the silt of my past to take a look at the granular details of the shifting moral foundation I have built my life upon. Step Five is the crucial step to begin the repair of this foundation by recognizing and admitting my responsibility for the detritus in my life. This stirring of muddy waters can sometimes make for a pretty murky view, and if I hang on to this inventory by myself for too long, it may be difficult to remember that this is the way to light. 

There is a risk involved in Step Five; this is the hero’s journey, where Jonah leaps into the belly of the whale. We face the darkness, knowing not where it will ultimately transport us. In our minds, there is the risk of being rejected, of ridicule, of full exposure to the depths of the shame we have been carrying, and as alcoholics who are almost universally sensitive to criticism, Step Five can be intimidating. 

The only solution I’ve found is to, yet again, surrender. I need to open myself completely. I wouldn’t advocate making oneself completely vulnerable to this process if there weren’t tremendous gains to be made in doing so. No matter how much the vulnerability scares me, it serves me, because it provokes me to step out of isolation. When I step out of the old pattern of sequestering my spirit, I step out of the illusion that I am separate from others or from Source. 

I sought my soul,

But my soul I could not see

I sought my God,

But my god eluded me.

I sought my brother,

And I found all three. 

—Anonymous

Sharing this stuff, particularly if I have been unflinchingly honest, can be a daunting task; what generally prevents us from bringing all of our story to another person is shame. Shame is at the root of endless diversions, justifications, rationalizations, and general delays of putting Step Five into practice. It is important to contemplate how, left in the darkness of self, my Step Four is bound to fester. My moral inventory, and my awareness of its implications upon the habit patterns of my actions and attitudes, needs to be exposed to the sunlight of the Spirit in order to be transmuted into a lasting gift of awareness. 

If I have reached this stage, I have my personal moral inventory in hand; now I need a witness. It is important that the person who hears my fifth is not someone who has all the answers. I need to trust my gut and find someone who has humility and a sense of humour; humility will enable my witness to detect which shame belongs to me and what I have been carrying for others. A sense of humour will ensure that I don’t take myself too seriously. I needn’t panic over who is going to share this experience with me; if I have done my work, the right person will appear.

All my ancient, twisted karma,

From beginingless greed, hate and delusion,

Born through body, speech and mind,

I now fully avow.

—Zen chant for Ryaku Fusatu

Once I make a commitment to have this undertaking validated by another human being, I will become aware of what an empowering process it can be. The relief from the burden of my secrets and my ignorance will be commensurate with the level of honesty I apply to this step. The power of one spirit coming to another with humility and vulnerability calls in the sunlight of the Spirit and sanctifies the act of surrender. Here, I can break old patterns of isolation—spiritual and otherwise.

If I balk too long or refuse this step, I risk retreating into denial. I need only review Step One to remember that there is no peace in a life of denial. 

The first time I took this vital step, I stumbled for a while on another major hurdle: grief—grief over losing myself, the only identity I’d been consciously aware of for years. Even if I have recognized and inwardly admitted to old beliefs, judgments and patterns of denial that don’t truly belong to me through the process of taking a moral inventory, the prospect of overtly admitting to them in a Step Five might provoke a kick from within. For instance, I may suddenly become forgetful, and have a blank mind. Or doubt may raise its head. 

There are many varieties of doubt: doubt about AA, the Steps, my sponsor, my own abilities.

The good news is that this resistance is a last-ditch effort of the old framework of living to re-assert itself, because once I take Step Five as fearlessly and honestly as practicable, this old scheme of interacting with the world and the things in it is utterly altered. Just as darkness cannot stay in a room when a light is turned on, the film of ignorance and denial that I’d cloaked myself in will no longer fit. 

I need to treat myself like I am someone I can trust. 

Step Five is not just about admitting my wrongs, but about becoming vulnerable enough to share how and when I have suffered. Tough love in this program is for suckers; it may seem easier because I’m used to beating myself up and haven’t had much cause to trust others, but we’ve had enough of tough times, haven’t we? I suggest trying tenderness.

If this step is causing me to shut down emotionally, I may need to get outside help and do grief work or trauma reduction. I can also always look to Step Eleven for support and guidance. Often this stuff that we are dragging up through this process gets stored or stuck in the body, and this is where breathing techniques, a healthy diet, yoga, massage and energy work can all be helpful in getting through Steps Four and Five. These steps are as much about moving from the brain to the heart as any other; this cannot simply be an intellectual exercise in truth-telling. We have to feel our way through this process, and we need to feel it without reacting in order to surpass the small idea of our once-disconnected selves to the Unity with our true and highest selves that is our birthright.